I love slots, though I only play them in Las Vegas.
These machines are brilliantly designed to entertain us while they take our money by super-smart people. They know exactly how to keep you spinning with almost-hits, bonus teases and just out of reach jackpots.
By sticking to gambling in Las Vegas (with money I can afford to lose), I can stand proud as a slot degenerate – without going broke.
Here is my list of 100 ways to tell if you are a slot degenerate – how many do you recognise?
#1 – That feeling of throwing cash away by playing a slot anywhere you do not have a loyalty card for.
#2 – Spending the entire flight to Las Vegas making the critical decision of what slot to play first.
#3 – Finding a maxed-out Dragon Link Major completely irresistible.
#4 - You can’t resist checking to see how many spots at each denomination are filled on an empty Cash Man Bingo slot.
#5 – You get a stressed and unhappy feeling seeing people play video poker for less than five coins.
#6 – Leaving a slot with bulging bags is physically impossible.
#7 – Understanding that however creatively you pick those coins, you will end up with the Mini.
#8 – You have experienced the emotional devastation of triggering a hold and spin bonus, only to get no more balls.
#9 – Considering a first spin bonus better than Christmas.
#10 – Wondering whether more than five Quick Hits even exist on the reels.
#11 – Knowing which slot has purple squirrel symbols and which has fried eggs.
#12 – Shouting ‘retrigger’ at a slot - just in case that helps.
#13 – Not really knowing the difference between Dancing Drums and 88 Fortunes but having a firm favourite anyway.
#14 – That worry, even though you know full well it can’t be true, that someone has hit the ‘no more wins, ever’ switch on the game you are playing.
#15 – Congratulating someone on the next game for a hand pay jackpot, though tightly gritted teeth.
#16 – Needing to turn the volume up full to hear your game over the nearby slots that turned the volume up full (and repeat ad infinitum).
#17 – Hearing repeated loud screams of joy from a nearby games, only to find that they were winning, ohhh, tens of dollars.
#18 – Playing that game you always lose on, because it is in the line of site for that brilliant new game you’ve been waiting to try.
#19 – Wanting to punch the guy that says ‘Congratulations, you’re a winner,’ after the 4th offer on Top Dollar is the lowest of them all.
#20 – Finding that uncashed Tito when you get home from your Las Vegas trip (yep, just did this one!).
#21 – Having a huge pile of uncashed Tito tickets, each one less than a dollar – and deciding to leave them for the housekeepers.
#22 – Wondering how the spin button got THAT sticky.
#23 – Being determined to get your biggest ever dancing piggy bank this time around.
#24 – Wondering how those 100 extra wild symbols in the bonus feature manage to never land on the reels.
#25 – Does that 4th reel have a buffalo deflection device attached?
#26 – Surely that pot lid must close soon?
#27 – Go on then, I’ll put another $100 in, I’m only going to spend $20 though… honest.
#28 – Leaving a hot slot because the sounds of ‘Push the Button’ behind you are driving you crazy.
#29 – Realizing something key is missing from your morning coffee run if you don’t have a quick $20.
#30 – That extra-delicious taste of your morning coffee when you do hit a winner before buying it.
#31 – You know which slots with panda’s you love, and which ones you hate.
#32 – Having a quick spin on Invaders from the Planet Moolah 20 minutes before your restaurant booking, only to hit 7000 free spins.
#33 – Waiting until the last ball on your final spin has missed on Lightning Link, before proclaiming to your partner ‘you can always tell you know’.
#34 – Understanding the agony of seeing the wheel slowly, but inevitably turn from the Grand jackpot to 8 free spins.
#35 – Having a ‘lucky bet size’ on at least six different slots, even though you fully understand that it makes zero mathematical difference.
#36 – Wondering whether that ball on Pinball ever makes it down to the bottom row of prizes?
#37 – Feeling like you are paying for your ‘free’ drinks on every losing spin from the moment the cocktail waitress takes your order.
#38 – Dreaming of the day you join the 15-heads club.
#39 – Avoiding slots, knowing full well how RNG software works at a certain casino, as you never win there.
#40 – The ability to scan the area, quickly locating the least popular slot, then sliding the spare chair over so you can play next to your partner.
#41 – Understanding that the casinos make those chairs heavy and difficult to move because #40.
#42 – Scanning Buffalo Diamond bet sizes for the most free spins at 4x, knowing full well you’ll only ever hit 8 spins with no multiplier.
#43 – Silently watching the max bet (needed for the progressives) on Quick Hit slots move forever out of reach.
#44 – Hitting 14 Dragon Link balls AGAIN, surely number 15 will hit this time, right? RIGHT?
#45 – Checking the comp room offers a week after returning from your ‘last Vegas trip of the year.’
#46 – Seeing a new slot without a hold and spin or pot closing feature and thinking that it is a little bit weird.
#47 – Wondering if there are any old slots left without a new ‘Gold’ version.
#48 – Saying ‘of course we can play the two-seater Willy Wonka slot dear,’ while secretly loathing every second.
#49 – Getting so shocked by the volume of the shout ‘Buffalooo’ that you jump in your seat.
#50 – Moving your 8th overflowing ashtray of the day to the neighbouring slot.
#51 – ‘If we hit that Grand, we’ll fly business class on the way home.’
#52 – That annoying coin show effect for winning $7.35c on a $1 bet.
#53 – Checking out the no-smoking slot section, only to find the oldest, dullest games.
#54 – Wondering how the slot managers managed to remove every single one of your favourite games in the 3 months since your last visit?
#55 – Seeing your Las Vegas vlog watching reach fever-pitch as the day’s countdown to your trip.
#56 – Shouting ‘Balls’ every time six or more reveal symbols land on Dragon Link free spins, before quietly lamenting that it’s nines once again.
#57 – Saying ‘I’ll take it,’ after a bonus ends, despite having no choice in the matter.
#58 – Wondering just how many $25 prizes there are on that Wheel of Fortune bonus wheel?
#59 – Checking the Las Vegas flight prices over and over, on the off chance that the same dates are suddenly hundreds cheaper…
#60 – You know which slot gets you shouting ‘up, up, uppp! Down, down, downnnnnnn!’ during the bonus feature.
#61 – Playing double your normal bet size with your free-play - and feeling like a high-roller.
#62 – Strutting into the high-limit room, then looking for the cheapest spins available there.
#63 – The mentally jarring accidental double-tap.
#64 – Happily finding you have three forgotten free spins remaining after a hold and spin bonus ends on Dragon Link.
#65 – Wishing it was your player’s card in the slot during that high-limit group pull.
#67 – Spending 372 hours spinning MyVegas free slots in the hope of snagging that 2-for-1 buffet offer.
#68 – Writing heartfelt congratulations for that hand pay posted on a Facebook group, while that jealousy eats at your very soul.
#69 – The minor and major balls flying past repeatedly, while you only get balls matching your bet amount.
#70 – What kind of antiquated machine does not have a wager saver anyway?
#71 – Rolling your eyes, pursing your lips, and muttering ‘blockers.’
#72 – Accidentally spinning for $8.80 because you forgot to check the denomination.
#73 – Having a STRONG opinion, one way or the other, about Brian Christopher.
#74 – Jumping up in your seat, just slightly, whenever a ball with words lands on the first couple of reels of a Dragon Link.
#75 – Settling down to a great slot session, only to be immediately surrounded by chain smokers and a guy who doesn’t really know how to smoke that massive cigar.
#76 – Standing in the MGM Rewards queue for 45 minutes, only to lose your MyKomani $25 free play in 45 seconds flat.
#77 – The irresistible pull of the slots at Harry Reid International Airport on the way home.
#78 – Returning to that slot you got a hand pay on twelve trips ago and have been feeding $100’s into ever since.
#79 – Always knowing how long it would take to pop back to your room safe to get your passport number and ITIN when you travel up or down to strip to gamble.
#80 – Having a strong opinion on the ‘tightness’ of an entire series of slot machines after your statistically valid sample of 26 spins.
#81 – Getting an Uber Downtown where the slots are much looser, only to lose your day’s bankroll in an hour.
#82 - Considering video poker to be the gambling equivalent of watching paint dry.
#83 – Enjoying a 20-minute series of nested bonus features on 007 slots and winning $13.50.
#84 – Picking 2 minors, 2 majors and 2 grands, then miraculously hitting three minis in a row.
#85 – Instantly identifying 37 different slots from the sound effects alone.
#86 – Debating a maxed out major vs smaller one with an empty seat next to it.
#87 – Wondering whether they disabled the Wild Horde and Michonne Attack permanently from the Walking Dead II slots.
#88 – Losing a quick hundred, only to say, ‘it’s definitely got potential’.
#89 – The long road between. ‘it’s got potential,’ to ‘I’ll get that bonus one day,’ to ‘I never win on it,’ to ‘I hate that machine.’
#90 – Looking forward to the 17th new version of a slot you won on, once, 8 years ago.
#91 – Believing sticky buttons, button slappers and cigar smoking slot players should be banned under the Geneva convention.
#92 – The horror of finding out that this cabinet with your favourite slot does not have sound.
#93 – Wondering whether Diana Evoni, Brian Christopher and others are plugged into the same matrix that controls the RNGs, or just have fantastic editing skills?
#94 – Being constantly puzzled by slots that have arms that no longer work to spin the button.
#95 – Visiting off-strip casinos and playing the exact same slots.
#96 – The mental battle of whether to ask someone sitting at your favourite slot and not playing it to move, or to find a different game.
#97 – Confidently designating a slot as your ATM over multiple trips, only to have it eat half of your bankroll next time around.
#98 – Sitting down at a game only to see ‘cash out $837.22c’ in small writing and wondering whether to continue putting in your Tito.
#99 – Wondering why people that claim to only gamble in Las Vegas post big wins of online slots on social media.
#100 – Knowing the favourite slots of at least 10 different Las Vegas Vloggers by heart.
Submitted by Planet Mark on Thu, 12/08/2022 - 10:27